How to Use Love Languages to Better Love Your Spouse

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Brad and I celebrated two years since our very first date on Monday and we celebrated four months of marriage on Thursday! What a week?! I wanted to share something that I really believe in and truly think makes a huge difference in any kind of relationship, but especially marriage relationships. What I’m talking about is love languages. I truly believe that knowing and understanding the love languages of the people around you could help you be more intentional, foster healthier relationships, and have more life-giving, encouraging relationships.

What are love languages?

Love languages work two ways. First, your love language is the way that you feel most the most loved. To make things a little more clear, let me tell you what the 5 love languages are. They are Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. (I’ll explain these in more detail shortly!) Now, we all like each of these to some degree, but which one do we desire to have the most. For me, mine are Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. My friends describe it as, “you need to hangout with her and then when you aren’t hanging out with her, tell her how much you love her.” That isn’t all the way true, but it’s not a lie either. I really feel appreciated, cared for, and wanted when someone spends time with me or takes the time to affirm, encourage, or empathize with me.

The second way that love languages work is the way that you show love the best. For instance, I am really good at giving gifts. I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s my number one way to show someone I love them, but it’s up there. I enjoy putting a really meaningful gift together for someone, BUT that is not my love language at all. I love getting gifts just as much as the next person, but it’s not as important to me as quality time, words of affirmation, and even physical touch. I also love writing notes of affirmation to others. This tiny piece of love languages still really depends on the person, because the goal is to show love based on the persons love language. So, I’m not going to be touching on this aspect of love languages in this post, but I wanted to briefly show you that it’s also a part of what love languages are.

I believe it’s also important to note that love languages can change over time and to be mindful about it. Talk about love languages with your spouse and about how you can better use them to enhance your marriage. I truly believe when we understand love languages and implement them into our day-to-day, maybe weekly, routines, our marriages will be more meaningful, life-giving, and last much longer.

If you’re reading this post and are completely lost or have NO idea what your love language is, you can take the test here. I would also strongly recommend reading the book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, and it’s only $9.00 if you click that link!

Here is How to Use Love Languages to Better Love Your Spouse

*I am using some of the material from the How to Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language graphic by Fierce Marriage, so not all the material in this next section is my own*

Acts of Service: doing something for your spouse that you know they would like for you to do

How to communicate:

Use phrases like “I’ll help..” They want to know that you’re with them, partnered with them.

Actions to take:

Do chores together or make them breakfast in bed. Go out of your way to help alleviate their daily workload. If you can’t exactly alleviate their workload, help them conquer it together.

Things to avoid:

Making the request of others a higher priority, lacking follow-through on tasks big and small.

Quality Time: giving your spouse your undivided attention

How to communicate:

Uninterrupted and focused conversations. One-on-one time is crucial.

Actions to take:

Create special moments together, take walks and do small things with your spouse. Weekend getaways are huge.

*I will say that this can get tricky. I think a huge tip is to realize what type of quality time they enjoy and doing that with them. Some people like quality time, but it could even mean just being around their spouse, like on a car ride. For others, it means doing something together. Figure out what quality time means to them and implement that into your weekly routine.

Things to avoid:

Distractions when spending time together. Long stints without one-on-one time.

Receiving Gifts: giving your spouse a gift with love, thoughtfulness, and effort

How to communicate:

Thoughtfulness, make your spouse a priority, speak purposefully.

Actions to take:

Give thoughtful gifts and gestures. Small things matter in a big way. Express gratitude when receiving a gift.

Things to avoid:

Forgetting special occasions, unenthusiastic gift receiving.

Physical Touch: touching your spouse physically in a tender way

How to communicate:

Non-verbal, use body language and touch to emphasize love.

Actions to take:

Hug, kiss, hold hands, show physical affection regularly. Make intimacy a thoughtful priority.

Things to avoid:

Physical neglect, long stints without intimacy, receiving affection coldly.

Words of Affirmation: giving your spouse unsolicited compliments and the reasoning behind them

How to communicate:

Encourage, affirm, appreciate, empathize. Listen actively.

Actions to take:

Send an unexpected note, text, or card. Encourage genuinely and often.

Things to avoid:

Non-constructive criticism, not recognizing or appreciating effort.


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When we know these things we are able to love our spouse in the way that they feel the most loved, adored, needed, wanted, and appreciated. When we take the time to learn how to use love languages to better love our spouse, that’s when true intimacy can happen. It’s also just as important to understand your own love language and be able to communicate with your spouse what that looks like for you. Everyone is different, but taking that time and effort to really understand one another will benefit your marriage later on down the road.

Now, this was just a brief overview on love languages and how to use them to benefit your marriages. If you want to dive deeper into this, click the links in the begging of the post! I promise you it’s worth it and you will learn so much and really begin to understand your spouse, as well as yourself, in the process. I would highly recommend reading them together!

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